Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Rules to fighting

Recently I was reading a post to another blog and they were discussing some new resolutions they have set with their spouse when it came to disagreements. This is right up my alley. Since my husband and I were saved I am huge on marriage and communication. 50% of marriages end in divorce because of poor communication skills.  My husband and I went from such poor skills as screaming, slamming doors, walking out, threatening divorce and more to quiet calm yes sometimes tense feeling conversations. How did we get there you may ask? Well step one we turned to GOD. Step 2 we did our studies ( yep we read up on effective solutions and we still do) , Step 3 we set rules. Now these things took/take hard work. Your marriage does not have to be in crisis to work on it. You don't buy a car and not at least clean it, change the oil, put gas in it etc. Well why not put in as much care in your marriage. Oh for those who have been married for a while guess what you need to give it more care just like a fine vintage car. When you do things like set rules it helps to set boundaries that allows both parties to feel heard. now you don't want to be so strict on these rules if one gets broken that you refuse to continue but you can gently remind your partner. I will list our rules for you but your rules will need to be for you otherwise they won't work.  Ok our rules
1. no screaming or yelling " You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice"
2. no infinite words " you always" or "you never"
3. no walking away, leaving or shutting your self in a room
4. inconsiderate only means you did not consider the other person or the outcome fully
5. feelings are just that feelings not necessarily fact but certainly how you are perceiving things throw backs " well you......." or "so do you"
7. stay on topic no bringing up past arguments or let downs
8. no bringing in others
9. I'm a girl I don't always want things fixed  so I have to be specific if I do or do not want help. He's a boy he wants to fix things quickly
I think that covers them all. We have been at this awhile so our list evolves as our life does. It grows and changes with us otherwise I think  the rules would become mute points. Here's the neat things about this, this  not only will it help you to be able to have better communication with your spouse but also with others. You will be able to carry these over with you to other situations. For me it has really helped because I am a very emotionally driven person and once I am set off I get hot tempered quickly, but now I am able to stay calm longer and keep things on point to a discussion more often.  Later on I will tell you some of the books we read which lead to these rules